Wednesday, October 10, 2007

"and maybe we can make the world a whole lot brighter"

I'm sitting here late at night listening to Brady Bunch songs, LOL.  They're on a CD that a friend made for me.  This is a truly fun CD.  It starts out with He Aint Heavy then moves on to James Taylor.  The songs get even more fun and even funnier.  It contains the Love Boat and the Bee Gees and The Partridge Family.  And ends with some cool, I mean *cough* groovy, Brady Bunch songs, LOL.  Oh, and it has some Elvis and the song Desperado.  How can you beat that?  

I guess I am listening to it to try to get unstressed.  I need something totally silly.  This has been one crazy day.  Too many things going on.  So many people asking me to help them with too many things.  I just can't keep up.  Not if I had three life times.  I want to help, but now I see I am spreading myself too thin.  How do I do this?  I assured myself I wouldn't try to help EVERYBODY, but everything seems so urgent right now.  I don't know what to cut out.

Oh, I like this song that's playing right now!...  He aint heavy, he's my on we go!  His welfare is my concern.. No burden is he, to bare, we'll get there...

Oops, that's not the song I need right now, LOL.  Talk about strange timing, LOL.  

I also went to my local cancer support group board meeting tonight.  I guess you gathered from that statement that I'm on the board, LOL.  It is actually more than a support group, we are branching out into a lot of things.  I will have to tell you about what we are doing soon.  It is hard work, but I am realizing tonight how emotionally draining it is.  The subject of cancer makes me cry tonight.  Just thinking of what John went through.  What I hope he doesn't go through in the future.  And thinking about those we have lost.  While I enjoyed helping tonight, it left me more emotional than I thought it would.  

Okay, so I need to pull it together, regroup, and get things done that need to get done.  Regardless of being all emotional and everything.  Because besides needing to do all of the things that are very pressing (like I need to take care of my bills), and helping a few people I am going to help, I still need to work on the house.  There are boxes full of stuff in the living room, and a few in my bedroom.  

Oh, and I have to get rid of this bed in here.  We are going to get a new one on Thursday!  Isn't that just great?

Oh no!  Here comes another song on the CD - I Hope You Dance.  You see, that song makes me cry.  I love that song in one sense, but in another sense, tonight it makes me bawl.  It takes me back a few months to the beginning of this year when John's oncologist told us that John's cancer was back.  (Of course this turned out to be a false alarm, a misdiagnosis - but we didn't know that at the time.)  And we were told that he would have to have a second transplant.  And then we were told by his kidney doctor that he wouldn't make it through the transplant, because of his 25% kidney function, and that his kidneys would totally fail him.  John was told basically to get prepared to die during or shortly after the bone marrow transplant, or that he should even consider not going through with the transplant at all, and to consider dying at home. 

Okay, so you all don't know this, but I actually went to the funeral home and planned John's funeral.  Picked out his casket and everything.  I chose the gray stone one.  It was the lowest price but was still the best one, I thought.  The director tried to get me to go to the next one up, but it was pink, LOL.  Now could you see my conservative husband, who never wears anything but conservative colors, in a pink casket, LOL?  

Anyway, there was a lot of planning involved, and my Dad helped me.  Why am I mentioning this?  Perhaps to debrief.  It's time to finally get some things out.  I have so much stored up in this head and heart of mine that has to do with the past two years since John first got cancer.  No, actually, the past eight years when he got the first cancer (a completely different kind). 

And I am wondering about the kidney thing.  Does John have a third cancer?  Maybe, maybe not.  Yes, I know, I can't sit around worrying.  But it kind of hangs over our heads.  So does the fact that he could go out of remission at any time.

Oh, this is pretty dumb.  Sitting around wondering what COULD happen.  You just need to trust God that whatever does happen, you will be okay.  And so will your loved ones.  I'm just saying it gets a little heavy at times. 

Okay, thanks for being my counseling session, LOL.

Soon I will do an entry on what cancer CANNOT do.

I know I promised you pictures of my new home, but the camera batteries are still recharging.  We'll try for tomorrow.

Okay, I need to go to bed now.  Sorry I was so heavy and rambling.  

Loving you, Krissy :)



  1. It's good for you to get things out that are bothering you. I love the Brady Bunch Songs. It reminds me of a simpler time in my life. My friend Joey and I also still listen to the Partridge Family songs. That was good stuff!
    Have a good day...Pam

  2. When we find those over bearing thoughts trying to take control, it's time to get out the blessing book and count those wonderful gifts we have...dwelling on the positive helps alot.  You've so much to be thankful for !  'On Ya' - ma

  3. This is only my opinion Krissi,but if I were in your shoes and yes it is hard,I nursed my father for seven yrs with Cancer.I do understand.I think God has given you both a new start.A new home and so on.So look on the postitive side now of everything and leave the past behind.Forget about whats to do,let it all come to you in it's own good time.All the people you said you would help,should understand,you have enough on your plate right now,so forget about that for a while too.The group you are attending will probably get easier on your mind the more you go.If you are not cut out to go there God will take you down another path.Don't think negative about has John got a thrid Cancer never.Finally don't try and walk before you can run as I have said before.Look to the future with bright lights in your head not dull ones.As for the record He ain't heavy it is one of my all time classics,and remmeber God sends heavy loads to those he knows can carry them as he hda to.I just love that record.The cd does sound fun .So have a blast put the sound up loud and DANCE ok!! Have a great day.Everything will work out I am sure.Count your blessings .GOD IS GOOD.Take Care God Bless Kath

  4. treesrgreen7810/10/2007 6:50 AM

    Krissy, i always thoroughly enjoy your entries, though you and John have been both through so much, your positive outlook always impresses me.  I love the Brady bunch songs also and the partridge family ones my son has all their seasons and songs on cd and dvd.  I also love Desperado and I Hope You Dance.  Journal land is a wonderful place we can open up and let our feelings come out, and at the same time put things in perspective for tomorrow.  God bless.

  5. nightmaremom10/10/2007 7:11 AM

    {{{Krissy}}} know that my thoughts and prayers are always with you and John.  Hugs my friend

  6. You need to get this stuff out of your head. You've been through so much and you have been so strong throughout all of have to have some time to "grieve" for what you have been through.  I think you need to do that in order to see the sunlight and the rainbows through the clouds.

    You have so much support here.....we're all just a click or a phone call away!!


  7. You have a heck of a lot on your plate, Krissy. Find something silly and do it. And make time to do something silly every day :-) You're doing a fantastic job.

  8. Okay, the Brady Bunch? I have nightmares about them! *shudders* You deserve to have some fun!....but them?? You are very brave. Tammy

  9. Just checkin in... Glad to hear you got all moved.
    Hope any stress you have subsides soon!

    I love you and John both!


  10. hey  Krissy you sure sound busy and lots on your mind! the CD sounds fun! I like that song I hope you dance" also!

    ~make it a great day!~

  11. Krissy, you'll do all these things one at a time, as I always tell Val, "Baby Steps"!
    Love ya, Merry

  12. Krissy, it's now time to take care of YOU.  Why?  Because if you take care of YOU, you'll have more energy to help the others that you want to help.  One step at a time, but start with your own.  It's not selfish, it's smart.  

  13. I know it's hard to do....but try to take time out for won't be any good to others if your falling need some time for you too...June:)

  14. firestormkids0410/10/2007 1:43 PM

    Honey, you are so sweet!  Never ever put anyone else before you and John.  God says He is first, your marriage is submitted to him . . . and everything else goes somewhere else in the line . . .I usually pay my bills, though LOL :-)  Love you bunchies, Penny

  15. Krissy...Krissy...Krissy.... :-D  You make me laugh.  The Love Boat... I still remember the words...

    My husband is one of those who spreads himself thin, too.  When you figure out how to fix that, let me know...

    ::hug hug hug::


  16. Krissy, always remember to allow some time for you...I've learned from spreading myself so thin with helping and doing for others that as much as I was glad I could do this to help out with whatever was going on, that I realized I wasn't taking enough care of myself.  Now I know how to say would loved to have helped with so and so, but sorry this time I have to say "NO".  You have so much on your plate dear please allow some Krissy time. Oh that was sad reading what you went thru thinking John wasn't going to make it, Krissy allow yourself to enjoy every moment you can with John and he with you, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, so best not to worry or dwell on it, live for today. Bless you dear, Arlene (AJ)

  17. god bless poor john and yourself... your very strong and lucky to have each other.

  18. there's days like today.
    Thinking of you and John..

  19. princesssaurora10/11/2007 1:18 AM

    You don't need to apologize... I think it helps to get it all out, and see it in print.  I do hope it helped to lighten your load.  Sending prayers...  

    be well,

  20.     There are times that you need to get it out. As a caregiver you think he's the one with all the problems. You're both wrapped up in his illness and you are shouldering most of the necessities for both of you. I now exactly where you're at, I've been there. I will say though that where I was scared to death that I'd have to bury Bill, I've never tried to put together a funeral. I hope that time is a long way off. Glad John's doctors were wrong. About being involved with your board, try not to do it now. It won't happen easily. I mean you won't be able to just sit back and not do it when you know you have something to offer. Good luck with it.


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