Monday, July 26, 2004

My Bipolar Entry

Okay.  Time to get real.  I have been wanting to do this entry for awhile.  And dreading doing it for a long time.  Wanting to do it because I want to be honest and not pretend.  Dreading it because of the stigma that's involved.  Okay, let me just get it over with.

I'm Bipolar.  I have Manic Depression.  I was diagnosed about seven years ago I guess.  Actually I was diagnosed with clinical depression as a teenager and my diagnosis was changed to bipolar about seven years ago. 

That's why I don't ever mention going to a job.  I can't work.  I am on disability. 

Sometimes when I do entries in here I feel like such a fraud, not saying very much that I do during the day.  That is because my days are filled up with  therapy appointments (I just didn't want to admit going!) and doctor's appointments (I have a lot of physical illnesses too).  Well I am tired of not mentioning these things anymore, so I think I am going to start putting them in here now.  Oh, I am getting more brave and honest, aren't I?  It is just that I feel tired of hiding parts of my life from certain people. 

Wherever I go I hide this part of my life from different people.  If I volunteer, sometimes I have to hide it, because sometimes people don't want you to volunteer  if they know you are bipolar.  Once I had somebody actually say to me, you can volunteer, and you can be in my group, but don't let anyone in the group know you are bipolar, and don't let them know you are unemployed.  I went several years hiding major parts of my life from these people because I was told to do so until I decided it was ridiculous.  Living in shame is ridiculous. 

Sometimes people don't want to be friends with you.  Sometimes people at church don't even want to hang around with  you.  Fortunately my family doesn't reject me.  

It is stupid.  Bipolar is a chemical disorder.  There is a problem with your brain chemistry.  I searched the internet to find a good article, because I am not too equipped at explaining it, and found this website:  http://bipolar.about.com/cs/menu_science/a/press_umich021O.htm .  Click on the article entitled Evidence of Brain Chemistry Abnormalities in Bipolar Disorder.  It is the first article.

So, if you want to, you can ask me any questions you like.  I will answer some now.

Yes, I take medication for it.  Six kinds.  I have to stay fine tuned!

Yes, I go to therapy.  Once a week.

Yes, I have a psychiatrist.  I see her once a month.  She is the best.  Together we make plans for me.

Yes, I have been hospitalized.  Four times.  But it has been a couple of years.

Yes, I still get depressed and manic.  And some days I am even.  I have been depressed lately.  For months. 

And I have learned lots of coping skills in addition to therapy and medication.  Cognitive therapy (thinking things through instead of catastrophizing).  Relaxation.  Having fun.  Destimulation and meditation (if I am manic).  Playing with my cat.  Finding something constructive to do if I am depressed (sometimes difficult!).  Exercise or going for a walk.  Calling a friend to talk things over.  Writing in a journal to get my thoughts out.  And many more.

Finally, I would like to say my faith in Jesus Christ is the thing that gets me through. 

If you have any questions to ask please feel free.  And oh yeah, since I am a little insecure, do you still like me, lol?!    

 

 

  

25 comments:

  1. Still like you??? Hell yeah!!  You are awesome!!!  

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  2. (((((Thank You))))) so much for opening up.

    I bet you are worried of the results of this, but don't be!! You are who you are, so why live life a lie?!!?...If you have read my entries lately my mom went bipolar 5 years ago.

    Most people are scared because the name of it sounds so bad and they don't really know what it's all about. That's awesome you found a good site for your readers to check out to know whats up with it.

    I am so proud of you for opening up.....sounds like you are facing this thing face foward now instead of trying to hide behind it. I am so proud of you. Thanks so much...
    Love, your always avid reader,

    Jackie

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  3. readmereadyou7/26/2004 11:36 PM

    That took a lot of courage. Never be ashamed of having a chemical imbalance. I have what's called limited agorophobia from a chemical imbalance. People are not ashamed to be diabetic!  It's just an illness like any other illness. : )

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  4. {{{{HUGS}}}}}}} Of course I still like you.  Each and every one of us have some kind of a problem whether it is admited to or not. You showed true courage by admitting to your illness. You do not choose to give in to it but fight to live and that is the greatest courage anybody can have.

    The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
    Celeste

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  5. About time!
    Shout it from the rooftops!
    If they don't like it out there - then that it is tough!
    I have had clinical depression (diagnosed) for the last six years. I can't work anymore. I see my Dr every week. I take more pills that I can count each day. I have diabetes. I have asthma. I have Ulcerative Colitis.
    It's amazes me the number of my fellow christians who just faded away especially my Church of Scotland colleagues in ministry. It is though I was a biblical leper. It's like they  point the finger at you ands ay you are weak and pathetic. Tough. It used to hurt me. It doesn't any longer the problem lies with them.

    See me I am a real person!
    You wrote :
    Finally, I would like to say my faith in Jesus Christ is the thing that gets me through.
    I say:
    100% without Him as a living presence in my heart I would have and still would kill myself.
    I realise as I write this that I have just written my own Journal entry for today and I will link to this.

    I envy you your uptimes.

    http://journals.aol.co.uk/sdrogerson/SpecimenDays

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  6. Hey who couldn't like you. Iam there myself. I suffer from what my doctor says is bipolar depression..I dont get the highs. I get the lows and the lowers.....I have suffered from clicical depression for over 15 years.....Your  true friends will stick with you. I am sure you have found this out before., as I have . Hang in there I will stick around......and from looking at some of the other comments many other people plan to to..Figure it this way.. if you looose them it is their loss, and they really weren't your friend to begin with........kasey

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  7. It was very courageous of you to write this piece.  You said you were dreading it. Well done you.  I know what you mean about Stigma.  I suffer from Agorphobia and acute anxiety.  I have lost many "friends" through it because people cannot understand that you look"normal" whatever that is supposed to mean but you cannot do the things they do. Even doctors have little patience with it.  Like you I am on lots of medication because I am also Diabetic with high blood pressure.  I have lived with fear for a great deal of my life. My faith is the only thing that has kept me going as well although I must admit it has been sorely tested lately and sometimes I waver..........but I try to hang on in there and my computer is my window on the world. I will pray for you and hope that you will pray for me.Warmest wishes from the heart.

    http://journals.aol.co.uk/jeanno43/Family/

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  8. chickiecheeses7/27/2004 10:26 AM

    My daughter has Tourettes which is also a chemical imbalance. People tend to think problems with the brain just mean you are crazy. People just aren't knowledgable in that subject. Friends are the people who stick by you in spite of everything and those are the only people you need. And yes I still like you!

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  9. Very brave indeed! I have a bipolar friend who is currently not communicating with me. It's very hard to maintain a friendship with someone who won't admit she has a serious problem and won't stay on her medications. I love her but there is only so much I can do from 5 states away. Stick with your meds and therapy...the alternative is just too terrible to discuss. -B

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  10. jules196420017/27/2004 3:26 PM

    of course I still like you, nothing changes in my mind, you're still you.........Jules xx

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  11. excaldeshops7/28/2004 6:32 AM

    I think you need to give yourself a lot of credit for taking the time to care. Making this post takes a lot, but you need to know that what you are is not defined by your physical problems. I am also dealing with my own set of physical issues as well. I spend more time with my doctors than I do with my wife, or at least it feels that way. She has supported me through it all, physically and emotionally. But that is what a friend will do. They don't ask you to hide aspects of your life, even though you feel you must. They love you without judging you. They bring sunshine on days that you might only see the rain. I know that you have such people in your life, and you should seek them out and forget those that would have you hide instead of shine.

    Regards,
    Ed

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  12. dbaumgartner7/28/2004 6:50 AM

    Congratulations for taking a deep breath and sharing.  There are a few things I have not put in my journal as of yet.  Sometimes when you put down in written words it can be scary.  But, it's a good thing and a great statement of courage.

    Thanks for visiting me and I will be back to see how you are doing.

    Deborah

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  13. I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is admit it, and deal with it, to heck with what other people think of you....!

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  14. Thanks for reading my journal. I have enjoyed reading yours. I will be thinking about you and your family. Verna127

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  15. I am so glad that you wrote this.  Not for us, but for you!  You will find much resolve in writing things openly in the journal.  And of course, there's a lot of on line buddies out here who will support you!!!  

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  16. gotsnoluv4ya8/01/2004 8:46 AM

    Ty for coming across my journal about my bipolar son last night and giving me the way to your journal. I really didn't think posting a journal about a bipolar child was abnormal LOL. I know I have seen them about adults, but he thinks he is. I enjoyed the entry. I have never concealed the fact of my son's illness because he has others as well. I don't write much in my journal because I didn't think anyone was actually reading it. If you or anyone else want to check what I have on it out and can offer any suggestions and comment is welcomed! It is at

    http://journals.aol.com/gotsnoluv4ya/Mybipolarson/

    Thanks once again!

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  17. Thank you for sharing, Kristina.
    This was a brave entry, and I am thankful you shared it.
    :)  Be proud of you, we all are!!

    Danielle

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  18. For what it's worth, one of my closest friends is also bipolar.  We go to church together.  He's probably the kindest, most supportive friend I have, funny and brilliant, shy and creative.  I treasure my friendship with him.  Like you, he's on disability, and he writes.  He's had his share of rejection, too.  I just hope that over time, as his high and low points stay in an acceptable range, that he'll be able to get somewhere with his writing.  Even if he doesn't, though, he's enriched my life, and the lives of others.  I haven't read much of your journal yet, but I strongly suspect you're also a force for good in the world, despite your condition  Hang in there! - Karen

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  19. Thank you for sharing, a very Dreaded journal entry. And from the comments in your journal..you have a lot of people who care about you. Well add me to the list of new friends.

    ~Deborah~

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  20. chellebelle19778/02/2004 11:39 PM

    like you...........NAW........love you.......you are soooo awesome to share that....WOW that is all that I can say...you have touched me...thanks for coming into my life....add me to your LONG LIST of friends....CHELLE
    http://journals.aol.com/chellebelle1977/chellesjournal

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  21. domesticangel358/11/2004 10:08 PM

    People reject you because they don't understand your illness , don't ever take it personally.. its just their ignorance.. I'm sorry though that you have had to deal with the rejection.. just be content in knowing that we here in j -land are here for you and we do understand.. Peace and Blessings* Melaney

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  22. i also suffer from boarderline personality disorder and i have manic episodes that arent pretty. im recovering from a drug problem as well. im a 27 yr old female. i have been in 3 mental hospitals and can not work either. we should chat i feel alone i dont know anyone else like me and i have no real friends. my screen name is manicnyc1@aol.com

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  23. disturbedkid20048/31/2004 6:59 PM

    I am Bipolar too and know how you feel I see a therapist 2 times a week and have been in mental hospitals who knows how many times. And if your wondering if people still like you well if they don't like you for something that your born with then I say Fuck them. I hope that you find a good way to cope with everything and remember you're not alone. disturbed.

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  24. sighlemaccaba9/20/2004 7:29 PM

    Dear Krissy.  Do we still like You?  How can you ask!!  If this were my situation, I don't know if I would have your courage.  So many people have already said the good words better than I can. Hold your head high, Krissy.  You've earned the right.  Love and Peace, Kaz.

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  25. nosecandyx169/26/2004 3:16 PM

    Dude! I have bipolar disorder too. I've been hospitalized 8 times and i take medication. I think your journal was pretty damn touching except for the fact that you think that you can't get a job because you're bipolar. Man, get real! Your life is only going to get better if you work on it. Of course you can get a job. Pain is a funny thing. it could either kill you if you let it or it could help you grow. Use it to help you grow! Use your experiences to help other people suffering from the same sh*t you went through. Look, man, i know it's hard but you got to keep on fighting. Trust me, KEEP ON FIGHTING!!!

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