this entry will make you cry

Today was a hard day. 

I want to tell you guys about it.  Part of me doesn't want to tell you, because I don't want you to be sad.  But I believe I should, because if something happens suddenly later, and you don't know, I believe it would be wrong.  You should have time to prepare yourself, to let things sink in.

John and I visited the nephrologist (kidney doctor) today.  John wanted to see him before we were to see Dr. Claxton (who we see in a couple weeks) because he had some questions about his kidneys and how they would react with a bone marrow transplant. 

According to the nephrologist, John may not even have a choice whether he is given the option to have the bone marrow transplant, as his kidneys are so damaged.  Yes, the doctors may not even allow the transplant to be done.

And if he does go ahead with the bone marrow transplant, the nephrologist is not giving him a long time to live, with his kidney damage.  He will have to go on immediate lifetime dialysis, which will cause problems for his longetivity.  A lot of people can live a long time on dialysis, but not those who have just come off a bone marrow transplant. 

I could explain to you why John would not live long on dialysis after a bone marrow transplant, but I am not going to.  I'll spare you, as I am sure you are in grief right now.  Just suffice it to say that the nephroligist explained it to us. 

So what am I hoping?

That you don't disappear, and that you still support us.

That you not be disappointed in John, and think he has failed you. 

That you don't leave John alone in his hour of need.

You don't need to pity us, we are fine.

Please don't tell us that if we just had enough faith, John would be healed.  We are Christians and know that John could be healed, but often Jesus chooses to heal in Heaven.  Everybody dies, and if that is the way that The Lord chooses to do it, then who are we to argue?  If that is the way things progress, then do not tell John or me we are lacking in faith.  Thank you.

Please allow us to be human.  Some days we cry, some days we laugh.

We do not mourn like those who have no hope, we believe John has a place in Heaven.

I hope that you will continue to still support and love John.  He still has so much more that he would like to give to you.  I don't know about you, but his courage has inspired me.  So has his ability to go on, no matter the situation.  After the news today he came home and did the dishes of all things!  There is so much that he has taught me, and there is so much more he wants to give to us through his example.

And what he says is most important to him is that others keep giving blood.

Sorry if I made you cry.  I know this was unexpected, and you weren't prepared. 

I love you all more than ever,  Krissy

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