I'm sitting here wanting to write, and all that seem to come out of me are tears. I'm finding myself so weepy these past few days, and in turn feeling guilty for feeling this way. Why should I have the right to cry? After going through what John and I felt was such a close call for him, yet again, and then learning that John's cancer probably isn't back, I feel I should be jumping for joy, and don't have the right to have any other reaction. But it's hard for me to have my emotions so quickly yanked around -- yes, even if I'm feeling scared one day, and happy the next, due to good news. That probably doesn't make much sense to anyone, and I really am grateful that John is doing well, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Yet somehow I'm having trouble switching tracks and going back to being happy again. I imagine it's because I really don't know what to believe anymore, and I don't know what's going to happen next anymore, and I can't plan for anything. I'm so hyper vigilant -- almost waiting for the next shoe to fall.
Now I'm seeing it. I just need to relax, and take each day as it comes, making the most of that day. Then I'll never be disappointed... Because each day IS a good day...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
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Krissy,
ReplyDeleteOf course you're in a fragile emotional state with all the ups and downs and all the uncertainty you're facing. Anyone would be. Your tears are helping to release the tension you've been under, so please don't second-guess your need for emotional release. You have every right to cry. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Right now you need to give yourself a little TLC and not feel guilty about your very natural feelings. Yes, the uncertainty is hard. There's no question about it. So treat yourself gently and give yourself the freedom to feel what you must feel and then let it go...when you're ready. That will give you greater strength to face each day--with the Lord's help.
Love and prayers,
Jeanne
Nicely put Jeanne.
ReplyDeleteEmotions aren't logical. I'm sending good wishes to both of you and all of us for ease and grace in handling our lives.
Tears are God's way of relieving us of our burdens. There is no shame in that Krissy. Please don't stop the flow. It is normal to do so....let it all out. I have been in that awful place where you are now during my cancer visit. I got up through the night and cried, scared because I could no longer predict or make happen the kind of day that was happy and normal.
ReplyDeleteI felt sorry for myself because I was now in that place where previous friends with cancer had said.." You never think it is going to happen to you".
You have so wisely said each day is a new day. So.. let the day begin with a smile and detrmination. We can all do that so that we don't let the darkness win.
Feeling for you and praying for a less seesaw -like existence with health and family issues.
You are loved and cared for by many. Feel our prayers reaching out for you both.
Fondest love
Jeanie xxxx
The ups and downs you've had in the past few years do make for a very bumpy ride for sure. You have every right to shed some tears. Living each day one day at a time and enjoying what you have that day is really the best way to live. None of us are assured of tomorrow. Celebrate today!
ReplyDeleteHon, I talked to Mary about you and John yesterday, what was going on. She asks about you guys all the time. Of course she does, because I am so affected by you guys, my emotions. She didn't think it odd at all that you and John are having a hard time after hearing good news. Gosh, I wish you two could have a de-briefer living with you. I don't know any other couple that lives a life like yours??? I wouldn't second guess tears and emotions. Let them happen. I know we were told not to "feel" or atleast have a reason for the feelings when we were growing up. Let the tears fall. You will figure it out later. You can always talk to me in the mornings, too. I will see you tomorrow morning and we will get alot done and we will have some fun, too!! Mary is always telling me in order to get anything done you have to have some fun, lots of it! You have to soothe yourself. What self-soothing are you doing? We will talk about this tomorrow. I love you more than all the stars in the sky... Because of you... I am your TBADT xox
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything to say that would measure up to the previous comments that were left, but I wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteKrissy I am so glad John is doing well ~ you have had so many up's and down's ~ it must be so hard to adjust your feelings ~ but I am glad you got some good news ~ keeping you in my thoughts ~ Ally x
ReplyDeletein my thoughts krissy.tc mort xx
ReplyDeleteKrissy you know I'm always here for you if you need to talk, etc.You two have been thru so much....keep hanging in there and keep a positive attitude always dear.
ReplyDeleteWith all you've been thru the last few years, you deserve a good cry!
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to remind you how wonderful a person you are. I'm not surprised that you find yourself in tears a lot, Krissy. How could you not cry after all you have been through, The hardest part I think, or at least one of the hardest parts would be that you really never know what to ezpect. But in spite of that not knowing you continue to reach out to others. I love that about you - the greatness of your heart. love you, Krissy. Give your JOhn my love too please.
ReplyDeleteHi Krissy,
ReplyDeleteYou're quite right, you can't just yank your emotions from one extreme to the other. Because what happened does go quite deep, and I'm not surprised you were feeling the way you were when you posted this. I hope things have settled down for you and John.
Guido