Thursday, August 25, 2005

Processing my feelings

I went with John today to his oncology appointment.  It was with his local oncologist, Dr. Ford.  John reported some new symptoms to him.  He has had a cough for  a couple of weeks, and some skin problems .  Dr. Ford said the cough and skin problem (staph) are due to having low white counts, and gave him an antibiotic.  He also has brittle nails.  A big piece of his  toenail on his big toe just broke right off without him hitting it on anything.  Like almost half the toenail!  Dr. Ford says the brittle nails have to do with the progression of his bone marrow cancer (MDS).  He has also been having general malaise and fatigue.  I just asked him if there was anything else he wanted to add and he said, "I am just plain tired."

So how am I doing?  Well some days it is hard.  I am trying to process the fact that John has cancer again let alone needs a bone marrow transplant.  For awhile I think I was real stoic, but now my feelings are kind of hitting me hard.  I talked to my psychiatrist today and she said this was normal.  We deny for awhile and then we deal.  I think it is helping me to actually process things instead of pretending that nothing is happening.  I am glad I have a therapist right now to talk about my feelings with and work things through.  As time goes on she can help me process more and more. 

And I also want to do some research on the bone marrow transplant process.  I think if I know more about it it will be less scary.  Or maybe it will be more scary.  I just don't like the unknown.  I already found out some of the things I thought about it were untrue.  I had some preconceived misconceptions.  I was catastrophizing about something I shouldn't have been.  So I need to do some reading up.

Well, that's about it for now, take care, Krissy 

30 comments:

  1. pixiedustnme8/26/2005 12:32 AM

    oh Krissy, it just breaks my heart that you are going through this!  I know it's a lot to take in and it sounds like everything is catching up with John all at the same time.  Have you been to http://www.bmtinfonet.org/ just keep a running list of questions and make sure you remember to keep asking, asking, asking - there are so many variables, and it's so hard to prepare for the unknown!  My prayers are with you as you continue to travel down this path. -Kelly

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  2. jlocorriere058/26/2005 4:53 AM

    It's really hard for you and John right now, I'll be praying for you both. It will help you to ask questions and there should be a lot of good sites on the web for you to get answers. You must stay strong for John although sometimes you won't feel like it.
    Love Jeannette.

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  3. hey love...
    my prayers are going out to u and john ....cancer is the roughest thing to deal with i think...my husbands daddy had cancer ..and it was really hard...ill keeping praying for u

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  4. Thinking of you Krissy. You are a very special person, as I'm sure John would agree. Hugs to both of you.
    Sylvia xx
    http://journals.co.uk/sylviam4000/JottingsfromtheSticks/

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  5. Hugs Krissy
    I am so glad you have someone to talk to.
    Take care
    Kate

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  6. sarajanesmiles8/26/2005 7:33 AM

    Thinking of you and John.
    ((((( )))))'s to you both.
    Take care hon.
    Sara   x

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  7. springangel2358/26/2005 8:11 AM

    You and John both are constantly in my thoughts and prayers...you hang in there.  Big hugs to you both!
    Joyce

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  8. My father went thru his treatment for low blood count and took Procrit for years.  He also had blood tranfusions.  I am praying for John that his condition is treatable.   I can empathise with your feeling of being overwhelmed by things Krissy.  I struggle to make sense of things.  I try to stay as busy as possible reading printed material.  It is difficult for me to read the computer screen for long periods of time.   A new monitor LCD would help with the glare. Also I need a better seating arrangement than the stool that I sit on because my computer is in a cramped space.  But I do not have the money to spend on it and I am waiting for several more years for the prices to drop.  I read, read, read until my mind is somewhere in my reading.   My thoughts and prayers for you both and for Val,   mark

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  9. I wish there was something profound I could say to you that would help you feel better, but, I know it is impossible.  I too, am glad you have someone to talk to about your concerns and fears.  Reading up is a great way to cope.  You are doing a good job struggling through this, I think.  You are a very strong person, and John is so lucky to have you!  I hope you are taking "breaks", for yourself...JAE

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  10. heathyrxmarie8/26/2005 11:46 AM

    (((((((Kristina))))))))  I'm sorry hon.  I will continue to pray for you and John and hope for the best.  I wish there was more that I could say or do.
    Hugs,
    xoxo
    Heather

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  11. So hard to comment and say "the right thing"...whatever that is.  Just know I'm thinking of you, and knowing that you have lots of support and your own inner strength.   Love, Nancy

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  12. princesssaurora8/26/2005 12:50 PM

    {{{ Krissy }}}  This is a lot to process and I imagine it will happen in fits and starts.  I am sending you prayers.  I think learning more about the process of the bone marrow transplant can only help prepare you in the long run, so info is good.  

    Know that we are out here listening and caring...

    Be well,
    Dawn
    http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/
    Poetry:
    http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/TouchofEmpathy/

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  13. You are right...the research is a two edged sword. It can help you be prepared, but it can also scare the beejeebus out of you. Hang in there Krissy.

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  14. Krissy,
    Glad you have found someone to talk to. Reading and doing research is a good idea. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.      ~Deborah

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  15. thefaircolleen8/26/2005 5:01 PM

    Krissy I so identify with what you say.Too much knowledge is not always good though the unknown is not either.However to understand every aspect of the condition makes it so less scary so confront your fears and you will feel more confident about things. John is still in my prayers and you are too.And thank you for yours too.I am certain they have worked for us at this time

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  16. You and John are so brave.  Keeping you both in my prayers.  

    Terra

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  17. vagabondevermore8/26/2005 5:58 PM

    Krissy,
    I think you are processing this information quite well in your journal.  You and John are in my prayers.  May God bless you with a speedy match for his bone marrow.  If I match, am there.  And I believe anyone participating in the donor bank will come running.

    Love and Peace,
    -Jan

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  18. Krissy,
    I agree with Jan.  I think you are processing this very well.  I'm like you I would want to know everything there is to know.  Please know this that I am always thinking of you guys.  Praying for you and John.  Love bunches LuAnne

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  19. Hey Krissy...so glad that you have a therapist, and of course you have us in J land and the journal.  
    You guys are brave and in my thoughts and yes, the prayers too.
    One day we won't have to worry about these illnesses.  
     
    Sonya

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  20. Praying for you and John:)

    Essayons

    Deb

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  21. love2sing20078/26/2005 11:53 PM

    Hey Krissy!  I know what your going through and am still praying for you and John...God Bless!

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  22. Read all you can then discuss what you have found with his doctor.
    Continue talking to your therapist and of course use us for a sounding board. I am glad that you continue to move thru the process of processing what the both of you are going thru.

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  23. Krissy still praying for you and John...do your reaserch and if yo can print it out and make a list when you go to the next appt. and see if you can get some answers...or tell the doc to give you some info to read.....Kasey

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  24. missboogerhead8/27/2005 1:04 PM

    Krissy we are still praying for the two of you and we will continue to do so!  
    <<HUGS>>
    ~Miss O

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  25. May our dear Lord bless you both !  (((Hugs)))  Remember to take it one day at a time and to thank God for them !  'On Ya'  - ma

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  26. I hope John is feeling better soon!  Take care of yourself too!  Hang in there!  Lisa

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  27. Krissy, Is John going to have a bone marrow transplant??? I will see if mine would match?  He just has to get well.  I feel so sorry that this has happened and if only I could help him.  
    moodymyke

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  28. dbaumgartner8/28/2005 7:31 AM

    Does John have a match or is he still looking?  One of our J-Land family members might be a match. It's just a thought.

    I am so glad you have someone to talk to about your feelings, fears, and hopes.  It's so helpful.

    If I were you I would research as much as I could.  I believe that knowledge is power just make certain the info you are reading is coming from a reputable source.

    Hugs my friend.

    Deb

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  29. Hang in there, Krissy!
    Best to you and John,
    Judith
    http://journals.aol.com/jtuwliens/MirrorMirrorontheWall

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  30. Oh Krissy, I am sooooo sorry both John and you are having to go through this.  We must think positive.  I know John has maintained a healthy attitude, for the most part.  That is sooooo important, along with prayer.  We are all pulling for him and trusting God for his cure.  Keep the faith!!!!

    Love and prayers,
    Susan
    http://journals.aol.com/rjet33/CountryLivingSouthernStyle

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