Processing my feelings

I went with John today to his oncology appointment.  It was with his local oncologist, Dr. Ford.  John reported some new symptoms to him.  He has had a cough for  a couple of weeks, and some skin problems .  Dr. Ford said the cough and skin problem (staph) are due to having low white counts, and gave him an antibiotic.  He also has brittle nails.  A big piece of his  toenail on his big toe just broke right off without him hitting it on anything.  Like almost half the toenail!  Dr. Ford says the brittle nails have to do with the progression of his bone marrow cancer (MDS).  He has also been having general malaise and fatigue.  I just asked him if there was anything else he wanted to add and he said, "I am just plain tired."

So how am I doing?  Well some days it is hard.  I am trying to process the fact that John has cancer again let alone needs a bone marrow transplant.  For awhile I think I was real stoic, but now my feelings are kind of hitting me hard.  I talked to my psychiatrist today and she said this was normal.  We deny for awhile and then we deal.  I think it is helping me to actually process things instead of pretending that nothing is happening.  I am glad I have a therapist right now to talk about my feelings with and work things through.  As time goes on she can help me process more and more. 

And I also want to do some research on the bone marrow transplant process.  I think if I know more about it it will be less scary.  Or maybe it will be more scary.  I just don't like the unknown.  I already found out some of the things I thought about it were untrue.  I had some preconceived misconceptions.  I was catastrophizing about something I shouldn't have been.  So I need to do some reading up.

Well, that's about it for now, take care, Krissy