"and maybe we can make the world a whole lot brighter"

I'm sitting here late at night listening to Brady Bunch songs, LOL.  They're on a CD that a friend made for me.  This is a truly fun CD.  It starts out with He Aint Heavy then moves on to James Taylor.  The songs get even more fun and even funnier.  It contains the Love Boat and the Bee Gees and The Partridge Family.  And ends with some cool, I mean *cough* groovy, Brady Bunch songs, LOL.  Oh, and it has some Elvis and the song Desperado.  How can you beat that?  

I guess I am listening to it to try to get unstressed.  I need something totally silly.  This has been one crazy day.  Too many things going on.  So many people asking me to help them with too many things.  I just can't keep up.  Not if I had three life times.  I want to help, but now I see I am spreading myself too thin.  How do I do this?  I assured myself I wouldn't try to help EVERYBODY, but everything seems so urgent right now.  I don't know what to cut out.

Oh, I like this song that's playing right now!...  He aint heavy, he's my brother...so on we go!  His welfare is my concern.. No burden is he, to bare, we'll get there...

Oops, that's not the song I need right now, LOL.  Talk about strange timing, LOL.  

I also went to my local cancer support group board meeting tonight.  I guess you gathered from that statement that I'm on the board, LOL.  It is actually more than a support group, we are branching out into a lot of things.  I will have to tell you about what we are doing soon.  It is hard work, but I am realizing tonight how emotionally draining it is.  The subject of cancer makes me cry tonight.  Just thinking of what John went through.  What I hope he doesn't go through in the future.  And thinking about those we have lost.  While I enjoyed helping tonight, it left me more emotional than I thought it would.  

Okay, so I need to pull it together, regroup, and get things done that need to get done.  Regardless of being all emotional and everything.  Because besides needing to do all of the things that are very pressing (like I need to take care of my bills), and helping a few people I am going to help, I still need to work on the house.  There are boxes full of stuff in the living room, and a few in my bedroom.  

Oh, and I have to get rid of this bed in here.  We are going to get a new one on Thursday!  Isn't that just great?

Oh no!  Here comes another song on the CD - I Hope You Dance.  You see, that song makes me cry.  I love that song in one sense, but in another sense, tonight it makes me bawl.  It takes me back a few months to the beginning of this year when John's oncologist told us that John's cancer was back.  (Of course this turned out to be a false alarm, a misdiagnosis - but we didn't know that at the time.)  And we were told that he would have to have a second transplant.  And then we were told by his kidney doctor that he wouldn't make it through the transplant, because of his 25% kidney function, and that his kidneys would totally fail him.  John was told basically to get prepared to die during or shortly after the bone marrow transplant, or that he should even consider not going through with the transplant at all, and to consider dying at home. 

Okay, so you all don't know this, but I actually went to the funeral home and planned John's funeral.  Picked out his casket and everything.  I chose the gray stone one.  It was the lowest price but was still the best one, I thought.  The director tried to get me to go to the next one up, but it was pink, LOL.  Now could you see my conservative husband, who never wears anything but conservative colors, in a pink casket, LOL?  

Anyway, there was a lot of planning involved, and my Dad helped me.  Why am I mentioning this?  Perhaps to debrief.  It's time to finally get some things out.  I have so much stored up in this head and heart of mine that has to do with the past two years since John first got cancer.  No, actually, the past eight years when he got the first cancer (a completely different kind). 

And I am wondering about the kidney thing.  Does John have a third cancer?  Maybe, maybe not.  Yes, I know, I can't sit around worrying.  But it kind of hangs over our heads.  So does the fact that he could go out of remission at any time.

Oh, this is pretty dumb.  Sitting around wondering what COULD happen.  You just need to trust God that whatever does happen, you will be okay.  And so will your loved ones.  I'm just saying it gets a little heavy at times. 

Okay, thanks for being my counseling session, LOL.

Soon I will do an entry on what cancer CANNOT do.

I know I promised you pictures of my new home, but the camera batteries are still recharging.  We'll try for tomorrow.

Okay, I need to go to bed now.  Sorry I was so heavy and rambling.  

Loving you, Krissy :)

Tags: this entry is dedicated in memory of Kay who loved the BeeGees