new year's day

      

I'm looking back and being kind of reflective today.  Wow,  a whole year gone.  It seems like it lasted ten years, actually, LOL.  This was one of the hardest years of my life.  But many blessings came out of it as well.

I am grateful that both of John's cancers are cured.  Yes, you heard me right.  When we went to his last appointment, Dr. Claxton said both the Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and the bone marrow cancer (MDS) were cured.  And there was only a ten percent chance either one would come back for the rest of John's life.

Two diseases down, one to go.  He still has Autoimmune Hemolytic Anemia.  And to be honest with you, it is getting a little frustrating.  He already had some treatments of IVIG for it.  Then he had four weeks of chemo.  Now he is having eight more weeks of chemo.  I believe he only has one or two weeks left.

The sad thing is, it doesn't appear to be working.  Sure it slowed the disease down.  He hasn't had to get as much blood.  But he still needs transfusions.  And now that the chemo will be stopping, his Hemoglobin and Hematocrit will plummet right down again, and stay there, especially if he doesn't have blood.  Actually, without the transfusions he will just die.  So what is his lot in life, lifelong transfusions?

Of course there is the possibility that the removal of his spleen will work.  I imagine they are going to do that some time pretty soon.  If it doesn't work, well, I just don't know what we will do.  I am not trying to be negative here, just thinking.  But all I have is one day at a time...  It is just that it never occurred to me that it WOULDN'T work until Dr. Claxton mentioned a couple of weeks ago that it might not.  That put a little damper on things.

So I'll just have to take things one day at a time.  Lord give me the strength to get through 2007, doing everything I need to do, and keeping hope while I do it.  And hopefully spreading some hope and cheer to others.  And helping John through.  He looked a little bit sad this morning (while laying on the hospital bed this morning getting transfused).  That is not like him at all.  When he gets over his introspection and gets his balance I am sure he will do fine...

Having said that I look forward with a little bit of weariness toward the future, in my heart is a heaping dose of hope.  This spleenectomy thing could work.  Or something else could be invented in the future.  Modern medicine is making advances all the time.  And the Lord heals sometimes.  Actually He heals all the time, sometimes miraculously, sometimes through a doctor, sometimes when we get to Heaven.  But we are always okay.  And another thing.  The focus is always put on healing.  But what about putting it on the character of the person, and how he or she changes because of their ailment.  While I can't say I wished this upon me and John, we have grown tremendously from everything last year.  We are more in love than we ever were.  We have better spiritual lives.  We realize what is important.  We are closer to our families and friends.  I have gained more confidence in dealing with others (especially medical professionals, LOL).  If something needs to be done for someone I love, I MAKE it happen!  I used to be a Scaredy Cat.  I have more courage now.  John has grown in so many virtuous traits and has encouraged so many people by his courage.  I can't say that this isn't where we are meant to be today.  God works all things together for good for those who love Him, as the Bible says.  So all is good...

What will this year bring?  I don't know.  We are starting off with John breaking down his blood too quickly and needing more, his white blood cell count too low - thereby causing him to risk infection, John only having 20 % of his kidney function left - and told he will be dialyzed in a certain number of years.  That's a lot of uncertainty.  Yet he is alive.  Very much so.  What will this year bring?  Who knows.

One thing I do wonder is, am I getting lost in all of this?  I have spent all these paragraphs mentioning him and neglecting me!  God is my first priority.  Then I put John up there, then myself.  But gee, what do I really do for myself???  I think I am going to have to go back and think on that one, maybe tomorrow.  And yes, I am one of those who do make New Year's resolutions.  Or should I say I am going to make goals for myself to have a better year, and to better myself.  Fit some "me time" in there, so I will even be more better able to help John.  Eating right, exercise, prayer, etc.

Wow, this has gotten entirely too long.  I just wanted to say I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for standing beside me in 2006.  Let's make 2007 the best year yet!

Love you all dearly, Krissy  :)     

Tags: cancer, Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma, bone marrow cancer, MDS, Myelodysplastic Syndrome, chemo, Hemolytic Anemia, New Year's Resolutions